shinyredthings.

Welcome home.

So, I made it back to Australia. As some of you may know, I’m home to have the pin out of my arm that was inserted as a result of a bicycle-assisted argument with gravity. I now know that, as much as I love living in Texas, I am and always will be truly Australian. On the train on the way home, the bogans were out in force, the roadworks were progressing with an agonisingly slow pace, and the river was swollen; I was glad to be home.

People in each country ask me unending questions about the other. Whilst I can’t speak for all of Australia, and definitely can’t say I’ve experienced even a fraction of America, there are numerous things about each place and each lifestyle that I find interesting, and even some which I prefer.

America: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

1. Squirrels are awesome. Whilst some see them as vermin, I can’t help but view them as an unendingly amusing addition to the landscape. I love watching them balance on the telephone wires, I love their furry tails, I even love being chittered at when I invade ‘their’ backyard.

2. American bacon is absolutely terrible. Think streaky bacon, with twice as much fat, no eye, and terribly sweet. Yes, it goes crunchy, but crunchiness is for chips and apples, not meat.

3. The service at restaurants is great. Waiters and waitresses get paid terribly, so they work hard for their tips. Anywhere I go, I’m rarely without a beer, and whilst ordering a Merlot (Ah’d laak a mrr-LOW, please) is a bit frustrating, its nice to have dinner in a timely fashion.

4. Seasons are nice. I really enjoyed watching the leaves turn and fall from the trees, changing my wardrobe completely, snuggling much more and feeling excited when everything burst into bloom. Plus, it SNOWED. In Austin, Texas. Awesome.

5. Everything is sweeter. Its hard to find cereal without sugar in it. Its hard to find any food at all without sugar in it. Or worse - high fructose corn syrup. Americans appear to have a much sweeter palate than Australians - soft drink is so sweet it makes your face pucker, Herscheys is a terrible excuse for chocolate, and people eat marshmallows for breakfast.

6. You can never forget where you are. Every bank, service station, public office, car yard, office building, department store, funeral home and landmark has a flag. A BIG FLAG. The biggest flags I have ever seen in my entire life. Six storey high flags. A friend of mine used to work for a comany which sold these obscenely large flags - a 15 foot high flag would cost you $3000, and lasts about three months. That’s $250 spent per week, per small flag - above the poverty line for an American family. A large flag? I hate to think.

7. American’s are fantastically polite. They mind their p’s and q’s, say please, thankyou, and appreciate it. This is really nice, and a welcome change from your typical Aussie corner store grunt. They do, however, have a tendency to push the envelope on etiquette - this may be a British/traditionalist influence in Australia that has been part of my upbringing, but I’ve encountered a habit of behaviour that is, well, not quite cricket. This includes taking THE LAST BEER, leaving the toilet clogged and not unclogging it (ew), and asking personal questions, amongst other things. I guess that’s the biggest cultural difference. They do also talk to strangers a lot more (as long as you’re not in New York or LA), which is really quite pleasant - kind of like being in a small country town all the time.

8. You can go swimming WITHOUT SAND! Yes, fresh water from a spring flows through the rivers of Austin. There is a fantastic pool, Barton Springs, which has a rocky bottom, is the same temperature all year round, and has a diving board, or you can go cliff jumping behind a random apartment block. And did I mention, no god-damned, sticks-to-everything, annoying, hot, reflective, evil sand? I’ll sit on the grass with my non-sandy picnic after my swim any day, thankyou.

Australia: The Awesome, The Average and The Just Plain Shit.

1. Our wildlife is better than your wildlife. Apart from squirrels, which are awesome, our possums are cuter (have you SEEN an American possum?

I mean, I’m not professing that ours are the cutest thing in the world, but at least they don’t have rabies, or look like balding, oversized rats)

our kangaroos are not only cute but can kill you, our Tasmanian devils are also cute and would give your leg a good chew… Our wildlife may be deadly, but at least its consistent. The only deadly thing in Austin? A widow spider. When I asked what they look like, I was helpfully told they were a smallish, brownish spider. At least our dangerous things have the sensibility to advertise. Oh, and they do cool stuff like eat EACH OTHER.

2. I’ve missed Bundy Rum. Along the same line of number five above, everything is sweeter in America, and this includes alcohol and soft drink. The best I’ve found is a rye whisky sour - a sour whiskey mixed with lemon juice and a little dissolved sugar. I have unfortunately been introduced to such fabulous concoctions as Bubblegum, Sweet Tea and Root Beer flavoured vodkas, after which I promptly and unsurprisingly puked.

3. It is relieving (pun intended) to use a toilet which is not three quarters full of water, does not splash your bum, does not clog regularly and does not flush with a scary SWOOSH! All praise the great, white porcelain lord, Caroma.

4. Cadbury chocolate, I love you. I love you more than words can say. I stuff my mouth with you and grin until you melt. I know, you are frowned upon by chocolate officionados, who prefer a more European blend, but I love you none the less. You kick Herschey’s shiny metal ass any day or night of the week.

5. Bogans. Oh my giddy aunt, I have not missed you. Whilst American rednecks leave your southern cross tattooed asses in the dust, at least they have the sense to take their enormous hats and stay in the middle of nowhere where they belong. Please, stay out of my pub, stay away from my shopping centre, stop saying youse, and FOR ALL OUR SAKES, learn to use contraception, you fat mol.

6. Everything is cheaper and more accessible in the USA. From technology to nectarines, I can buy anything I want in a store at any time of the day or night (yes, Walmart is open 24/7. Scary, huh?) for a cheaper price than Australia. True, that technology was invented not far away, and manufactured in the next country over, but Australian markups of Asian electronics do my head in. True, the American economy is enormous - Australia has the same GDP as Florida - but I have no idea how they feed all those people when farmers get paid so little. Apart from buying produce from Chile, and subsidising corn, ahem. I do not miss being on the arse end of the planet, missing out on live music, flying to Sydney to see a band, or knowing I could buy a camera for $400 cheaper were I somewhere else. Sigh. This is the main reason why moving around the planet is a good idea. Sorry, Australia, I’m a consumer at heart. Besides. SHOES.